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Theology Jokes 2016

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Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A: A Roamin’ Catholic!

 

A father and a son are seated at dinner having a steak on a Lenten Friday, when the boy makes a realization and says, “Some people don’t eat meat on Fridays because there is a separation of Church & Steak!”

 

Q: How does Moses make his coffee?

A: Hebrews it.

 

A man walks up to God ands says: “God, how long is a million years for you?”
God answers, “Oh… about a minute.”

Man: “And how about a million dollars?”

God: “About a penny.”

Man: “In that case, Lord, may I borrow a penny?”

God: “Give me a minute.”

 

A Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit discover the real tomb of Jesus, only to find his mortal remains still inside. Horrified, they each react differently.
The Franciscan says, “This changes our whole ministry, we cannot tell anyone!”
The Dominican says, “This changes all of our doctrine, we should not tell anyone!”
The Jesuit says, “Well, I’ll be damned, He did exist!”

 

“Knock Knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Jesus!”

“Jesus who?”

“Jesus, get your butt out of bed! Morning mass starts in 5 minutes!”

 

If Eve sacrificed the future of the whole human race for an apple… what would she do for a Klondike bar?

 

A new monk arrives at an ancient monastery and sees all the monks copying texts. He goes to the abbot, slightly confused and asked him why the copy the copies rather  than the original, because they could be copying the same mistakes.

The abbot , recognizing he has a point, goes to the storage room to find the originals. A few hours later, he is still gone, and the new monk sets out to look for him. He finds the abbot in the basement, holding one of the most ancient manuscripts in his hands, sobbing.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” the young monk asks, worried.

The abbot replies, tearfully, “The word is celebrate. Celebrate!”

 

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?!” (Insert laughter here)

 

Q: What made the priest giggle?

A: Mass Hysteria!

 

There are three things that even God does not know about the Church:
1) How many congregations of religious women are there?
2) How much money do the Franciscans have stashed away?
3) What do the Jesuits really think and what are they going to do next?

 

Three famous theologians have just arrived in Heaven, and they are all waiting outside of a room for a debriefing interview with St. Peter.

The first to go in is Walter Kasper, and he is called into the room. He is in there for about an hour, and when he comes out he has tears of joy and relief streaming down his face.
He is overheard saying to himself: “I was afraid I was wrong about so many things!”

The second is Hans Küng. After he is called into the room, he is in there for a few hours. When he comes out, he is shaking his head in disbelief, and he looks troubled.
He says to himself as he leaves: “I cannot believe I was wrong about so many things!”

The third is Joseph Ratzinger. He goes in with a portfolio of lecture notes penned while in retirement. He is in there for days. Finally, the doors open and St. Peter comes out, saying “I cannot believe I was wrong about everything!”

 

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